Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture

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A study conducted by marine biologists at Texas A&M University has found that bottlenose dolphins, long thought to be among the most intelligent members of the animal kingdom, are 'utterly incapable' of pointing out the flaws of celebrities.

Frankly, this is shocking, said Professor Michael Hodges, lead author of the study. Given their impressive brain-to-body ratio, we believed dolphins would be capable of trashing Lady Gaga, or at the very least, succeed in rolling their eyes at Kendra Wilkinson's post-baby weight gain. Instead, all we observed were blank, snarkless stares.